I'm so
sorry that I have neglected this space for so long.
The two
year anniversary of when I first left for Portugal has come and gone.
Over the last month, I considered what I might want to say about
this anniversary and there is so much! However, it was one
interaction in particular that offered the content of today's post.
I have
been at St. Paul's a lot recently, for courses and reorientation as
part of the exciting process of getting me back to work. The time I
spent around the hospital has been great. I had the chance to really
experience my emotional progress with exposure to that old
environment. I had no reaction to the general areas of the hospital.
On the unit where I worked, my excitement to get back to work only
grew as I practised my skills in the lab, observed the other nurses
hard at work, and had conversations with educators and those in
leadership roles. Overall, though exhausting as I am not accustomed
to working anymore, this process has gone very smoothly and at a most
reasonable pace. Each new task or decision has been placed in front
of me only as I have reached a point of readiness for it.
It does
not mean that it is easy, but it is quite a peaceful experience of
the challenges I am faced with as I work towards something I never
imagined would happen. Something that I used to hold passion for and
am feeling that same drive be ignited again.
A
couple of weeks ago, I went back to the inpatient eating disorder
unit at the hospital to visit a friend. The day I went I continued
to experience peace. I considered what might cause me distress about
the situation and decided that I was in a solid enough place and
surrounded by the right support to contend with whatever might come
up.
When I
stepped onto the unit, I had no reaction. The nurse asked me if I
had been there before and I responded, “Yes.” (obviously). He
confirmed that I was familiar with the routines and I said, “No, I
don't think so.” All he asked was that I did not bring food onto
the unit. I laughed and told him I had gum and asked if he would
like me to hand that over – he didn't. How bizarre to be on the
outside, as a visitor, unfamiliar with their routine but aware beyond
what they required!
Anyway,
I enjoyed my friend's company and on the way out, stopped to say
hello to a couple of other nurse who knew me from the past. Once I
told them who I was, they seemed quite thrilled to see me as a well
person. High fives and big smiles....it was a great moment (one of a
few with numerous ED program staff). One of them asked to speak with
me for a few minutes about how the program in Portugal was different
than what I had experienced in Canada. This is where the inspiration
for this post came from.
I have
been faced with this question before and have not managed to answer
as well or as clearly as I would like to. Sometimes it is simply a
slight head shake and, “Everything.” Other times it has been an
unstructured mess of words trying to highlight what the most
important differences were for me. In this instance, I was able to
offer a more concise description of the program and the components as
I had experienced them. The nurse went on to ask something along the
lines of, “So, with this kind of therapy and treatment, do you feel
that you were given the tools to set appropriate boundaries and
practice assertive communication?”
I
smiled and the answer became so clear. I responded with what is
true:
What
they gave me in this program was myself. They debunked the lies in
my head that had me certain that I was a bad person. Once I learned
and understood that I was actually a good person, deserving of life
and ultimately desiring life, self-respect and love naturally
followed. With that knowledge, I explained to her: When you have
yourself and you like and love yourself; when you want to live and be
a full part of this world, like any other well person - knowing your
limits and seeking fulfilment of needs in effective and healthy ways,
becomes the only way to live.
What
greater gift could a program offer me except the understanding of
myself? Any practitioner can give a patient skills and illustrate
communication systems that should
work but when a person doesn't understand what or why they are
seeking what they are, what good are these tools?
It
was so neat to me to be able to tell her this. As for the how I got
from there to here...that is a little blurry. Of course it took
extensive guidance, support, persistence, and patience on the part of
the team that worked with me and also from my friends and family as I
stepped forward into the new ground that was becoming me.
All
of this continues to require work as I solidify caring for,
respecting, and loving myself as habit. The best part now, is that
my focus can extend beyond myself. I made a video days, days before
I left, in which I spoke about how scared I was but how hard I was
going to work to overcome my condition if they thought they could
help me. In there, I indicated that in the future, I would like to
help others but that I had to work on/help myself first. I didn't
know that it would take “as long” as it did but I am so thankful
that I had the chance to do all the necessary, foundational work.
The encouragement to maintain the focus on my improvement was also
imperative as I was often wanting to run off and help the world as I
felt that spending so much time thinking about and talking about
myself was simply selfish. Perhaps it was, but it was needed. Now,
I have the rest of my life, if I use it as I would like to, to extend
my whole self to others and to the moments of life as they present
themselves (and as I seek them).
Two
years ago I could never have imagined what lay on the other side of
the pain and self-hatred. The idea that life could be so beautiful
and that I could be so okay was more than foreign – it was
completely alien.
Seems
like no time and a lifetime at the same time. And now, it's time for
the best time(s).
