I hear so often from people with EDs (and said it myself not so long ago) "But who am I without my eating disorder? I am nothing without it." That was one of many thoughts that kept me trapped for as long as it did. ED was a defining aspect of me. I had better times and harder times but always, I related to it. I was "in recovery" or had "relapsed" or was "healthy but struggling mentally". ED was constantly tied to my identity because I remained scared of what was inside - what if I was nothing? It has lost its place in my description of self and with what I identify - completely. It is a huge part of my past but it never should have had such perceived intimacy with my character. Nor should it in yours.
By giving up ED, yes, it seems as though a vast emptiness will exist - it won't. It might feel like it for a while but who one actually is - who you are - persists through everything, we just have to find her/him.
To give up ED is to trade sadness for joy, fear for courage, anger for kindness, and worthlessness for value; and all other wonderful aspects of your true self.
Joy is waiting for you. Your courage has never left, it is just difficult to understand in sickness. You are inherently good and kind but have been beaten down by your mind and often by life. You have confirmed your worthlessness with unfounded thoughts created by a monster in your head and its misunderstanding of external messages.
This can all change and you can be you, safely. You can be happy and satisfied.
What are you holding onto this for? I don't know a lot of people who know how to get themselves better and that is not the point, I am not saying this is ever a choice but do not, for one moment, think that without ED you are nothing. Without ED you are everything you are not allowed to be right now and that...is so beautiful.
Please choose to get to know you. We are all born worthy and remain so until our last breath. Let the world see you shine.
