Weight

At the place I am at in this journey, weight holds little meaning to me beyond how it effects my health.  That is 100% honest and something I didn't believe that I would ever be able to say.  I though that I would get to a place of acceptance.  A place where I wouldn't fight my body and nature anymore.  A place where I could consciously focus on what my body could do for me at an appropriate weight and not how it made me feel when I considered the number.  Well...how things have changed.

Before Christmas I managed to sneak on a scale for the first time in 6 months.  I had anticipated what the number would be and was rather accurate.  It bothered me that day and for the next couple of days actually but it did not impact my behaviour or motivation which was a great sign.  Yesterday I did it again and my thoughts:  "Well, that's Christmas for ya!"  I had a sense that my weight had increased slightly, I am suprisingly accurately intune with my body, and I was right but it was ever, ever so slight an increase.  And at what cost?  I had an amazing holiday season with my family where I enjoyed much good food and drinks.  Now, it's back to 'real life' and I know that my weight will settle as I notice and respond to my hunger and fullness cues as well as honour simple wants that I may have around food.

It is freeing.  I have surprised myself.

I don't love my body everyday when I get up and many days I still am at that place where I have to remind myself of all the wonderful things my body can do now that I am treating it well.  I remember how good my mood is and how reliable my energy level is.  I think of the future and how I want all possibilties open to me and that requires a functinoing body.  I remember the hell that I've put my body through and take care to be patient with the healing process.  But there are days where I wake up and the thought of "You're kind of sexy" goes through my mind when I glance in the mirror.  It makes me laugh out loud sometimes as it seems so incredulous coming from MY brain but I just savour the moment, understand like any human, the feeling of self love will probably not last but the acceptance never ends.  It really....never...ends.

I spoke yesterday at the staff meeting and I will write about certain aspects of that another time.  It was very interesting to think of the beginning of this journey and the thoughts and feelings I had.  Not many people were privvy to the reasons that I came, the dangerous peace I felt as I started on this endeavour, and the reasons that I ended up staying.  Another time...maybe later today...I will write about those things.

Speaking with the staff really fired me up again about this whole process.  I'm not done here, I still have much healing to do but I'm going to get there.  Against all odds I am conquering this beast and starting to come into the person I've always been and living the life I've always been meant to live.  It's amazing.

With love.
JP