More on memory

This past week, I went to St. Paul's Hospital for a nursing skills lab. It went really well, I enjoyed myself and had a practical confidence boost as I performed the skills they were reviewing. There is still a lot for me to learn and brush up on but with each step I take, I am reassuring myself that the knowledge is still in me and my capacity to learn persists.

When I left the hospital, I walked to the bus stop along a familiar route. It was rush hour and raining enough to have out umbrellas. As I was walking, I experienced waves of emotions. At first it was slightly unpleasant because it was such an emotional cacophony! I was, in my true moment, so satisfied with my learning experience and even more thrilled to be getting back to work. I was smiling to myself at the thought of the present and of the future. However, there remained currents of unrest and anxiety. It had nothing to do with my afternoon at work it seemed. And then I remembered...everything.

It was more of a sensation of memory than direct. Feelings and a few picture memories from years past. From while I was working and physically well; those I had while working and physically unwell; and of course, those I had as a career sick person and commuting to the hospital for appointments.

Luckily, I caught this early in my walk to the bus and was able to observe it rather than analyze it and become confused or distressed as I may have before. It was rather interesting!! Nothing was intrusive, it just was.

As I approached home, a track by a great band - School of Seven Bells – came through my headphones. A few lyrics from the song “Kalaja Mari” are:

“Do you feel the pain
or do you feel the memory?”

That struck me profoundly. I was not feeling the pain of the past, simply the memory. I have said before, that memories are affecting me less and less and this experience illustrated that so well. I felt many things but it was not the old pain. It was just feeling the memory.

So surely, I am walking away from the past. Memories will last, I am sure, but they are rarely intrusive at this point and even more rarely anxiety causing. It is wonderful, in a way, to have the memories I do as I lost many of them for some time (some form of mental protection). Now, it is a safer time for me to experience them as they need to present themselves in my consciousness again. I can only hope that as I keep giving my emotional self room to feel and to remember, that I will fill my most accessible mind with “better” memories. The others serve as a reminder right now, of how far I have come and what I went through to get to where I am today. At this time, I appreciate the push towards gratitude that my memory offers. In time, it will likely be different. For now, this is just as it should be and that is quite okay!

The image for today's post is a quote by Paulo Coelho. “It takes huge effort to free yourself from memory.” I agree but like so much of the effort put towards wellness, it is not at all draining – rather quite life-giving and refreshing. What better results of effort could one ask for?

Another "now and then" kind of post

I've taken the last week to really reflect on where I'm at. My sense of wonder at the world and gratitude towards life has only increased through this focused time. Tonight I decided to poke into my past again and see where I was at just months before I left for Portugal. On this day, 2011, I was in hospital according to a blog I kept that I barely remember writing. I've chosen to do a bit of a comparison today and include a couple of excerpts from that time followed by a brief expression of my perspective now.

March, 2011 (complete with no caps):

i'm having a great day. not food wise but aside from that it's really just a good day. i don't know if i can even narrow down what the best thing is...maybe the weather. it's clement (not sunny tho), no wind, moderate temperature. I think the best thing about today is just today. i realized on my walk that i can have a good day separate from food. if we look at food and those behaviors well, i'm a walking death wish, but in many other aspects i am having a fantastic day.

(within the same week)

do i really want to live my life like this?

this seems to be a recurring question. and the answer is no. i'm considering a longer stay [in hospital] again to actually try and work on things. it's only temporary when right now i'm living what could be the rest of my life and is highly undesireable.

i'm so conflicted. i want help. i want to change. i am willing to give it a chance. i just can't do it alone.

i feel like a drama queen when i say i think i have two options here, life or death. i think this disease is killing me.

How frightening and sad to look back at that girl and her thoughts and confusion!! How abstract and impossible my current life would have seemed to her! On the other hand – I am overwhelmed with gratitude for making it through that time and being in this chair, in this moment, in this body, with this experience, that I am now. From today:

How wonderful is life? I find it so amazing. Some people have suggested that because really living is new to me that the “shine” will wear off. I don't think so and I am so sorry this shine is gone for others. Everyday holds so much beauty, endless things to wonder at, and such bountiful goodness!

It has taken much effort and a solid chunk of time to be able to see life for all that it is. These days, that is one thing that I am so thankful for – time. Time to have gone through the process I did and time now to put theory into practice. Not so long ago, when I first came back to Canada, I wanted to jump back into everything especially work. I thought, “It has been long enough, you are strong enough now. You need to give back to society.” I pushed forward and pulled back quickly as my emotional mind wasn't ready for that step. Could I have been successful had I returned to work as soon as I was planning? Probably, yes. I know, however, that it would have been significantly more challenging than it needs to be.

I needed this time.

Time to keep growing and practising. Time to (re)establish myself as the woman I am and want to be. Most recently, time to reflect on the last 3+ months at home – what is working, what isn't and how I can keep moving forward from here.

What a blessing to have the opportunity to do this in my home environment! So much theory from treatment and wisdom extended to me over the last 2 years is now making sense! I look back at how I have moved forward and consider what my focus needs to be now. Among a great assortment of things I am moving towards are: creating further balance and as always, cultivating patience.

As I focus on these things in the context of sustaining my recovery, I am able to see, now, how all this theory applies to “real life”. Work, romantic relationships, friendships, etc. By nurturing who I am as a whole person and allowing that without fear or judgement, I get stronger each day and more solid in all of this living business; as well as more confident in my ability to look into the future and predict that I am going to truly be okay.

In past posts, I mentioned that this doesn't always feel great. It still doesn't in some moments – there are difficult conversations to have or actions to take, occasional hurt feelings, intense missing of people, and anxiety sometimes – however, there is a consistent current of the peace I wish to experience further. In considering the bigger picture (one that I can truly see now!), the temporary discomfort is one part of a path toward so many wonderful things that I can wait it out. I can walk through it optimistically (with support!), and continue to love myself and those around me despite fleeting feelings.

There are eCards all over that state: Expect miracles. To the forlorn person feeling like they are standing at death's door mentally or otherwise and unsure why to look forward and what there is: there is more than could ever be described or explained. As I said nearly a year ago, describing my life now, to me, then, would be like trying to describe the sky to a child who had never left a cave.

So yes, expect miracles and never, ever stop hoping even when you cannot know what you are hoping for!

There is always more to say but for today, that is all. Hang in there, lovelies.

No words

I've been meaning to write something that adequately expresses my experience of being home and of life, currently.  I've sat, staring at a blank screen for hours; walking and thinking trying to find a way to sum it all up; searching for someone else's words even that might have gone before me, felt and been this way, and found a way to say it that might fit for me too.

I'm at a complete loss.  I posted this to a friend/on a forum of sorts yesterday:

"I haven't posted here for quite a while. I have found myself in a place where there are few words that do even remote justice to my current experience of the world in all it's wonder. The universe has showered me with wealth in the form of life that I never, ever thought possible, or could even imagine. I am so thankful."

What came to me yesterday is that, though words serve me well and I love them and will continue to write, the most appropriate expression of the light, life, and gratitude that I feel is through living it.

I will find a way.  I usually find the words with time.  Just know that, though far from perfect or always easy, life is so beautiful.

In very light news, I have a gorgeous cat now that I'm more settled and know I can keep her with me.  Her name is Callie.  :)  What a lovely companion.

With love.
Me.