Wednesday, November 28, 2012

One month back in Canada!

It's a bit unbelievable how quickly the time has gone. It is clear from my previous post that I am back up north in my home town. I had a wonderful time in Vancouver and being quite a change.

I am so thankful to be able to be with the people who helped me through so many horrible times. Working as hard as I did to attain the recovery I have has been worth it just for me. However, the congratulations from others and genuine acceptance of who I have been allowed to become confirms just how worth it this was.

This was the town where I spent the worst of my sick time and because of that, there are many memories that I would prefer not to have. Sometimes, certain places, sounds, smells, etc. can cause memories so strong I cannot see anything else. These are not often positive but I am working through each of these traumatic “flashbacks” (yes, they are that bad sometimes) and memories. I cry frequently as I allow myself to heal from the past. I am able to talk about it and, though not easy, try to allow people to comfort me through the difficult times.

Being in this town, has also brought me to a place of occasional self-consciousness in a strange way. The only way I can explain it is through an analogy that seems appropriate for the quickly approaching Christmas season:

It makes me very uncomfortable to open gifts in front of people, especially in front of the person giving the gift to me. I feel, in this town, like I'm in a room full of people who have given me presents and I need to unwrap them in front of everyone. What I would love to do is receive the gifts and thank them for the thought and then spend some time with each gift; with the wrapping, ribbon, and card; and with the sentiment each gift holds. After I have processed my experience of the gift, I would like to go back and thank the gifter or send a thank you card, and put the gift to its best use.

I know that this, in reality, is something I would like to be able to do with more ease - quite literally what I am speaking about. Metaphorically, the gifts I have been given are beyond thoughtful, they are life giving, and I need time to adjust to the fact that I was the recipient and that each day is an opportunity to open another and thank the giver in person.

So, I fumble through a lot of interactions at this point still, but not because I feel judged, analyzed, critiqued, questioned, or intimidated as I might have even earlier in the year; simply because I do not have the grace to find my words in all moments, or to reach out impulsively and hug the person in front of me. At other times, I have forgotten my past and step into interactions like nothing of the last years ever happened and that can end up creating unusual situations too.

Overall, in many more moments than not, I find myself so full of love of life and excitement for life as I would hope anyone who had been given a second (third, fourth, tenth..) lease on life would be. I have my times, of course, where things are not awesome, and that is sometimes comforting in its normalcy.

On another topic, I longed for Canadian winter and I am living in it now. The darkness is a challenge but the fluffy white snow that decorate the mountains is just beautiful. I went for a drive yesterday to another town and saw a beautiful and giant eagle and three deer. Wildlife and nature are so magnificent here. I miss the city lights and traffic noise, but I am doing my best to make the most of my time here, with all that it has to offer me.

So with that note, I am off to spend a quiet evening enjoying further introspection about the last few days.

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