Interestingly enough, as I review my posts, I sometimes encourage myself because what I write is honest. I know without a doubt that I have felt what I expressed before and I can feel it again if I wait for it and invite it.
That's what my last entry, before the Christmas Day one, has been. It has kept the wee flame of hope and desire for something better, alive in me. My drive and determination are still exceptionally strong to see this through to the end. To walk away from all things eating disordered and step fully into life and myself. I will get there but I am realizing, with a slight frown, it will take even more time. During that time, I will need to continue investing extensive effort into my journey to the wellness I desire.
It has been hard and painful again. Some days my brain feels like it has been wrung out. I recently saw a book titled, Mind Over Mind and that really made sense to me. Much of my life now is based on choosing one way of thinking over another and therefore new habits develop - in theory. I see and understand the theory and it makes sense to me so I am working at that.
It's like riding emotional waves and some I don't navigate as well and get caught in some sort of undertow. However, I remain a strong "swimmer", I can feel that I am nearly drowning but each time, see the surface, the sun, and use all my strength to get to that surface simply to breathe. If I'm lucky, there is a lapse between waves and I can rest, other times, I am thankful for the breath and am faced with the next wave with just a quick gasp, no time for more than a sputter.
What holds me down between the "waves" is any sort of ruminating on why that didn't go as well as the last one or thinking about the next to come. Thankfully, this week, I was given a simple but so meaningful suggestion: Do not be afraid/frustrated/impatient that you are not there yet! Also do not think that people will be thinking less or differently of you because you still have things to work on! We all do!!
I am often all three of those things. Though I cannot control what feelings will come up, I have decided that I can choose how much "emotional airtime" I give the feelings. I can notice them, acknowledge and validate them, and move on in my thinking. Though the feeling might persist, I have the ability to choose my thoughts. It is tiring but, in my my mind, is essential to the process. In other, brighter, moments, I have wonderful feelings coupled with pleasant and confirming thoughts and at those times I coast a bit and take my relief as it is offered by the universe and my emotional mind.
As I realize that it is okay for me not to have it all figured out, that it is merely part of the human condition, I am starting to let people in again. A great fault of mine is a severe drive towards independence out of fear of unhealthy co-dependence. This has left me feeling isolated at times and now, awkwardly finding ways to reach out and allow myself the courtesy of needing company on this journey for a while longer. I see the value already, though dislike the practice, of being able to reach out, to not be okay, and to let others know. To not be okay all the time does not mean I am a basket case or falling apart, it just means I continue to fight my demons. That, I know, is an expression of strength. It takes far more strength to be vulnerable with people than it does to appear collected all the time. Again, something I know in theory and am learning in practice very slowly.
In the meantime, life goes on in beautiful ways. I am skiing quite a lot and have done both downhill and cross-country. I have gone tobogganing with some of my favourite kids. I am farm sitting (that needs to be another blog post, just for fun!) for acquaintances and am busy with my troop of two and four legged beings. I have had some really great moments with my family. I have enjoyed the festive season (though I am ready for it to be over) in a different way than I can remember. I am looking at returning to work and making those arrangements with a bit of trepidation as well as much excitement.
So, for tonight and possibly for 2012, that is all. What a year.
As always, so much gratitude to my readers, supporters, cheerleaders, and pillars. 2013 is looking rather awesome, together.