Thursday, March 14, 2013

Another "now and then" kind of post

I've taken the last week to really reflect on where I'm at. My sense of wonder at the world and gratitude towards life has only increased through this focused time. Tonight I decided to poke into my past again and see where I was at just months before I left for Portugal. On this day, 2011, I was in hospital according to a blog I kept that I barely remember writing. I've chosen to do a bit of a comparison today and include a couple of excerpts from that time followed by a brief expression of my perspective now.

March, 2011 (complete with no caps):

i'm having a great day. not food wise but aside from that it's really just a good day. i don't know if i can even narrow down what the best thing is...maybe the weather. it's clement (not sunny tho), no wind, moderate temperature. I think the best thing about today is just today. i realized on my walk that i can have a good day separate from food. if we look at food and those behaviors well, i'm a walking death wish, but in many other aspects i am having a fantastic day.

(within the same week)

do i really want to live my life like this?

this seems to be a recurring question. and the answer is no. i'm considering a longer stay [in hospital] again to actually try and work on things. it's only temporary when right now i'm living what could be the rest of my life and is highly undesireable.

i'm so conflicted. i want help. i want to change. i am willing to give it a chance. i just can't do it alone.

i feel like a drama queen when i say i think i have two options here, life or death. i think this disease is killing me.

How frightening and sad to look back at that girl and her thoughts and confusion!! How abstract and impossible my current life would have seemed to her! On the other hand – I am overwhelmed with gratitude for making it through that time and being in this chair, in this moment, in this body, with this experience, that I am now. From today:

How wonderful is life? I find it so amazing. Some people have suggested that because really living is new to me that the “shine” will wear off. I don't think so and I am so sorry this shine is gone for others. Everyday holds so much beauty, endless things to wonder at, and such bountiful goodness!

It has taken much effort and a solid chunk of time to be able to see life for all that it is. These days, that is one thing that I am so thankful for – time. Time to have gone through the process I did and time now to put theory into practice. Not so long ago, when I first came back to Canada, I wanted to jump back into everything especially work. I thought, “It has been long enough, you are strong enough now. You need to give back to society.” I pushed forward and pulled back quickly as my emotional mind wasn't ready for that step. Could I have been successful had I returned to work as soon as I was planning? Probably, yes. I know, however, that it would have been significantly more challenging than it needs to be.

I needed this time.

Time to keep growing and practising. Time to (re)establish myself as the woman I am and want to be. Most recently, time to reflect on the last 3+ months at home – what is working, what isn't and how I can keep moving forward from here.

What a blessing to have the opportunity to do this in my home environment! So much theory from treatment and wisdom extended to me over the last 2 years is now making sense! I look back at how I have moved forward and consider what my focus needs to be now. Among a great assortment of things I am moving towards are: creating further balance and as always, cultivating patience.

As I focus on these things in the context of sustaining my recovery, I am able to see, now, how all this theory applies to “real life”. Work, romantic relationships, friendships, etc. By nurturing who I am as a whole person and allowing that without fear or judgement, I get stronger each day and more solid in all of this living business; as well as more confident in my ability to look into the future and predict that I am going to truly be okay.

In past posts, I mentioned that this doesn't always feel great. It still doesn't in some moments – there are difficult conversations to have or actions to take, occasional hurt feelings, intense missing of people, and anxiety sometimes – however, there is a consistent current of the peace I wish to experience further. In considering the bigger picture (one that I can truly see now!), the temporary discomfort is one part of a path toward so many wonderful things that I can wait it out. I can walk through it optimistically (with support!), and continue to love myself and those around me despite fleeting feelings.

There are eCards all over that state: Expect miracles. To the forlorn person feeling like they are standing at death's door mentally or otherwise and unsure why to look forward and what there is: there is more than could ever be described or explained. As I said nearly a year ago, describing my life now, to me, then, would be like trying to describe the sky to a child who had never left a cave.

So yes, expect miracles and never, ever stop hoping even when you cannot know what you are hoping for!

There is always more to say but for today, that is all. Hang in there, lovelies.

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