My thoughts, my messengers

I have had great intentions to write for the past months and just have not – sorry again to any readers I may still have!

I recently read an interview with two women who have struggled with eating disorders. They both spoke to the idea that they will live the the ED voice in their head forever; that recovery is maximized when one chooses not to engage in what the deadly internal dictator suggests. I have said before that I believe that recover can be achieved to a degree which each individual desires and I still believe that. With proper guidance and unrelenting pursuit of what ones heart really wants (mine was a well life without fear) – anything is possible!

I didn't ever want to live simply behaviour-free but battling that voice and those thoughts on a regular basis. What a life: to look well, act well, but continue to be at war. I imagine the fight would lessen over time but to resolve to that life of struggle is, in my opinion, accepting the suboptimal still.

When I read this interview, I chose to reflect on my experience. I have had classic “eating disordered thoughts” enter my consciousness in the not-so-distant past. This doesn't mean, to me, that I am not recovered or that I am existing in a state of “in recovery”. I believe myself the be recovered – never looking back and not at risk.

To be clear, the “eating disordered thoughts” I speak of are never the kind of severe self-loathing but those of a much more simple and, dare I say, boring variety. To that extent I also wonder what woman, or human for that matter, is not acutely aware of their body at times or considers what they are eating. For sake of simplicity, I will refer to them at eating disordered thoughts because, as an ex ED patient, I am conditioned to refer to them as such.

The thoughts I have on occasion now, serve only as messengers to me. What I have realized when they arise is that I needed to take a solid look at myself and how I am living; they are an indication that I need to reflect. Questions I quickly choose to ask myself at these times are: what am I doing now that needs to be different to honour who I really am? Is there something that I am capable of changing in order to continue living authentically? And a difficult one to ask: what am I not addressing that I need to? Am I avoiding?

Once I take the time I need to reflect and choose my next move wisely, those old thoughts fall away again. 

 

This is the way I have been able to make these thoughts work for me. I did not ever wish to exist with “noise” in my head that I have to think over or fight but it seems that in current treatment, that is the standard for recovery. That is not my recovery experience. There is no “noise” or painful intrusion, just awareness.

The way I see it, is that The System primarily offers patients coping skills. It offers these skills by many names and through a plethora of therapies. I am not denying the importance of developing such skills and implementing the tools taught. Is it not human to benefit from practising mindfulness, assertiveness, distress tolerance, and acceptance? (I choose those only because they are common themes in many popular therapies.)

However, a person who enters therapy with no sense of self has no basis on which to build. If one places no worth on themselves and their life, what is the point of learning any of the above skills and techniques?

I am not criticizing The System for sake of criticism. I do not fault any helping professional or team for trying to help in whatever ways they know and feel best about. I do feel strongly about expressing my understanding of it, now, though. Professionals working with eating disorders try to use evidenced based therapies. I feel that the “evidence” of recovery they set as a goal is placing the bar too low.

Therapists and programs that I experienced in the public system assume an adult mind behind the adult body (in its varying shapes and sizes). A common, though little understood, trait of many with eating disorders is an undeveloped emotional mind. Fundamental to effective treatment is nurturing that mind (and thus the self) to maturity. From there, one can move forward on all the skills above and implement them simply as life skills!

Prior to accessing the program I did, my family doctor seemed to recognize my need for him to be “the parent” and make decisions for me. Despite not being regularly certified or forced to participate in care, I allowed him to make the calls most often. He knew, and I knew, that I was in no position to be telling anyone what I needed.

If one knows their needs and values those needs as well as their worthiness of having them met – what function would eating disorder behaviours serve? Therapies that I engaged in seemed to try to meet me at a point far beyond where I was. There seemed to be two angles. The first assumed I did not know my needs and the therapist wanted to help me identify those needs. After that, we could work on ways to have them filled. However, I had no worth in my own eyes. Helping me realize that I was hurting (and not actually “feeling fat”, for example) didn't mean I would ever ask for comfort.

Due to the deceiving strength of my rational mind – and I have seen it in many others - it was sometimes assumed that I knew my needs and just did not know how to have them met. (Example: I didn't often complain of “feeling fat” because I knew, logically, that I could not possibly be. I knew I was lost, and could say that, but didn't know what to do – so I hurt myself further and lost myself in a familiar darkness). So, sometimes I did know my needs but again, it boiled down to not believing that I deserved to have these needs met.

Give a person who has withstood starvation (or other self-induced abuse in the extreme) some skills – they will likely implement them to an extent and survive for quite some time. The will to stay alive is an amazing thing. Will it be sustained? Who can say? Some people “get by” for their whole lives relying on skills that serve them externally but never find themselves and the wonderful reason they are. Some people are able to start their work with the skills and develop themselves as they implement them. I'm not saying my way is for everyone by any means – just sharing my experience.

I remember feeling such a visceral emptiness when I thought of myself. The idea that whatever was so empty in me could possibly be helped was beyond my imagination.

What I was eventually provided with was a safe place to grow. It was like being placed in a nest for as long as I needed to be there. There were people protecting me and helping me break longstanding habits. There is an element of habit in eating disorder behaviour. It was a place where I was safe to attempt to make many behavioural changes that had been posed to me over the years as part of this idea of “recovery”. With my “structures” being deconstructed one by one, I was left with just my small, raw self. This was terrifying for me but once I accessed that, I was able to begin my real growth and development.

Slowly, I explored “me”. As my mind was ready, I discovered more of what was real. I'm not talking about finding what I like to do and how I like to do it. Though that came too, it was more about realizing that I and all that I really am, and have been since my life began. The core of me: my skills, flaws, imperfections, and talents; a make up that I could value and was deserving of nurturing and love.

Once this was established, I could go on to work on all the things people had been trying to teach me over the years. What was so amazing to me was that I was given the chance to do this in my words, on my terms, and as was right for me. Since leaving treatment I have discovered that many skills I have now are part of what conventional therapies offer. A significant difference regarding the ability to implement these ideas is that I had the time to develop a platform. All the skills taught to me are supporting the platform that is me. What I do reinforces or grows this platform of me-ness. The “me” in this had to be developed first.

I admitted that I have experienced some “eating disordered thoughts”. The difference now is that they are just indicators of the need to get back to my platform, do an inspection, and probably perform some maintenance.

If I was not given the platform of me and been able to take the time to culture love and respect for that me, I know that I would have lived at high risk for relapse if not acutely ill for lengths of time. What is there to fight for when what you think you are is worthy of tolerance at best and/or hate more often? Would you fight for you if you hated you?

I don't have any real solutions to offer regarding common treatment approaches, and that is hard.

I set out with the intention of discussing the idea that living with the mental abuse an ED voice but not acting on it does not have to be what recovery looks like. That would never have been sustainable for me but that doesn't mean it is not for others. It was not desirable to me and I want others who want more to know that “getting by” does not have to be the best that one looks towards.

I know that something vastly different is possible. I can say that the only thing I have to “learn to live with” is the awareness of how I occasionally receive messages from my intuition. I still believe that could change sometime for me. For now, it is how I am prompted to listen.

It takes an immense strength to fight against the behaviours that are offered as solutions by the negative beast in a disordered mind. With practice, that part gets better even with an underdeveloped sense of self – practice always helps! To face one's self as needed and truly, openly reflect, takes a different kind of strength. It also lends itself to a wonderful forward flow of growth and development. I know I wouldn't want to live in any other way.

My greatest wish is that each person could be placed in a nest as needed. To crack their shell and hatch; develop their wings and eventually, when they are ready - fly.

(All images uncredited - my apologies.  Random internet finds.)

Determination and Choice...Making me work for me.

Yes, you read the title correctly, I'm making all parts of me work for me!

I've been threatening to write for days now but didn't know what to write about. Tonight, I learned a pretty significant (for me) lesson and am inspired to tell about it!

There are days where I am scared that I will, not necessarily go back to the eating disorder but, pick up some other sort of destructive behaviour to get my rush. No longer do I play Russian Roulette when I go to bed at night, wondering if I'll wake up in the morning...that's from a very long time ago now it seems. However, there's still part of me that craves the rush of risk. I know that there are other ways to find that rush and I have a few, healthy ways I get it now, but the fear that it won't be enough, that I'll have to push it a little further and end up possibly risking my life again is present all too often. I figured it out a bit tonight. Additionally, I realized the power of determination and the role it continues to play in my forward movement.

Carrying on with the preamble, I will illustrate the situation this evening that gave me the lesson I needed: I just arrived home from the salon with a new “do” that I'm quite pleased with. I finish my dinner and realize...if I let today go by, it will have been three full days without purposeful exercise. *alarm!* Then the hamster wheel starts analyzing the past three days. The first was after an amazing and spontaneous squash practice where I had the luck of working briefly with a coach from the UK - my body was tired and sore from the new technique. Yesterday, I was busy in good ways and exhausted by the evening. Today, however, I just didn't get myself together enough to head to the squash court in the morning and then spent all afternoon at the salon. It's evening time, the clouds are growing thicker and threatening a wonderful storm. Part of me doesn't feel like going for a walk but part of me says that I “should”. And here begins an all too familiar war of me versus her...

I've already been going through some pretty significant anxiety again as I approach my time to leave Portugal and return to the “real world” with more finality. I have moments of reprieve from the hamster wheel of fear and doubt but it affects each day to some extent at this point. Today was no different in that regard and therefore the thoughts snow balled: when I walk I think even more, I need distraction right now rather than another opportunity to ruminate; I can't go 3 days without purposeful exercise – but that seems like a negative thought so I probably shouldn't engage it and should choose to fight it; if I walk I might run into someone who smiles at me or returns I smile I give to them and that would feel better than sitting at home by myself...but it's late in the evening and at this time of year, very few people are out and about at this time; I need to do something physical, why? Because it's good for my body.

Aha! Sifting back through those thoughts I see that the real motivation is that it is good for my body, my back is stiff from driving so much the past few days, the fresh air is lovely and it's amazing that it is cool enough to be out in it, it's good to do something different than my usual squash practice and games, I can do whatever I choose to for the rest of the evening, etc. The fear was of my mind. I was a) scared of thinking too much while walking without sufficient distraction and b) couldn't figure out if wanting to “treat my body well” with a bit of movement was just a trick my mind was playing on me in a bad way. Part “b” of that needed to be examined carefully and I felt that it was the Real Me desiring this activity. When I realized this, I made my decision: I was going to walk because it would feel good and I was going to make it a positive event. Quickly, I gathered my iPod, umbrella, and phone, put on a better pair of shoes, and nipped out the door.

I hadn't thought it through (read: over-thought it) and figured out what “making this a positive event” might look like. The thoughts started as soon as I began up the hill outside my apartment. Just a whirring of activity in my head and for a moment, I felt powerless. Not for long though, I remembered what I've been thinking about recently that being here, coming through the program, has given me so much and one of the greatest aspects has been the gift of choice. I'd be darned if I was going to feel victimized by my own mind! So I decided I would choose to spend some time remembering the good of my day, the best interactions, rethinking compliments given and received, and humorous moments. That worked for a bit until I was reminded of my earlier anxiety and how big it seemed. I started to analyze that anxiety and...was hit with the most beautiful smell of flowers coming from behind a cement wall! That brought me back out of my head and into my moment. Horray! Now...how was I going to hold onto my present? Sing? Sure!

So, I started to sing the song playing at that moment, quietly. It helped a lot to distract from my thoughts. Over the next few minutes, I saw a cute older couple who gave me big smiles. I observed people eating dinner at one of the few restaurants that's still open in the little town I'm in. I felt a breeze and just stood for a moment in the cool air, not thinking at all.

As I turned towards home, I realized that I was doing it! I was making my thoughts and activity work for me. I decided to stop fighting, reduce the effort I was making, and see where my mind went. Quickly, over about one minute, I found myself frowning and feeling very angry about a few things. This is one emotion I have become acutely aware of recently, specifically why I react to certain situations with anger, so I questioned it and encouraged what was underneath to come out and just be. I started to cry. I was simply sad at the thought of leaving! I let myself realize how much I am going to miss about this place I've been for the last year and a bit and allowed myself the tears that brim frequently these days. This all happened over about 3 minutes total and I started to giggle while I wiped my eyes because I realized, I was “doing it”. I was doing exactly what I want to be able to do:

1. Choose my thoughts and actions and make them best for me.
2. Be aware of my emotional reactions and allow what is real to be, even if it hurts.
3. Figure these things out on my own, if necessary.

So, now I sit here, peaceful again and appreciating the determination I have towards achieving the wellness I desire.

I mentioned previously that I acknowledge that the mindset and little devil in my head are not completely gone yet, despite the length of time I have spent in treatment and working towards eradicating my eating disorder completely. This is yet another example of the little battles I still face but far more important than that, it is proof that I'm winning. The real me.

I decided when I was offered the opportunity to come to this place last year, that there was no going back if I was enabled to move forward enough that I could see the end. That commitment hasn't changed, I want to be well more than anything at this point and I need to remind myself of that commitment and put my efforts towards making the wellness I want come to fruition.

So, with today's very simple experience, I've realized how unnecessary my fear of falling prey to destructive behaviour is. I've reclaimed the choice I can have in my life and as far as I am humanly able, I will keep working towards making the right choices for me because I can. I'm far beyond the confused little girl from last year who was either drowning out her thoughts with behaviours or berating and hating herself for any choice to act against the dictates of her mind if she made positive behavioural choices that enabled life. I didn't have a choice then but I've been brought to a place where I do.

This is today's reason why I don't think it's possible to relapse after really coming through this completely. People with EDs are warned that there is a risk that remains for a very long time if not forever. I disagree, as I'm sure any of my readers are aware of! If I have a choice and elect to make the better choice in as many situations as I'm faced with, be they external/situational or internal, eventually, it will become what is natural. I've been built up mentally and emotionally to understand the strength and worthiness I have to live a full life. I understand where tendencies towards negative behaviour (in any way) come from. With those parts of me working alongside each other, I will make a well life, habitual.

No, overcoming eating disorders is not about overcoming a habit. Practising positive choices, once brought to place where that is an option, is.

I so appreciate how stubborn I am at this point. Determination was a better word tonight, I wasn't digging my heels in against something, I was figuring it out, as I went along, what was going to work for me. I did it, I learned. And it's an awesome lesson.

So, for anyone wondering “when it gets easier?”, for me, I think it might be now or at least soon. I've acknowledged that I don't need to be scared of my mind because I choose how to let it work more often than not. I choose how I see things, what I take away from situations, and where I am going to spend my energy. Some days, I still crawl into bed completely exhausted from the emotional fight – but it's not everyday. Additionally, I finally see the real “light”. I see where this process I'm going through right now can take me. Throughout the last years of being sick, once I understood something, I was often able to work a bit better with it/resist less. It was more practical then (why I needed to be in hospital and fed, etc.) but now, the way I see the fight I need to put up at times still, is a means to a really beautiful end!