My thoughts, my messengers

I have had great intentions to write for the past months and just have not – sorry again to any readers I may still have!

I recently read an interview with two women who have struggled with eating disorders. They both spoke to the idea that they will live the the ED voice in their head forever; that recovery is maximized when one chooses not to engage in what the deadly internal dictator suggests. I have said before that I believe that recover can be achieved to a degree which each individual desires and I still believe that. With proper guidance and unrelenting pursuit of what ones heart really wants (mine was a well life without fear) – anything is possible!

I didn't ever want to live simply behaviour-free but battling that voice and those thoughts on a regular basis. What a life: to look well, act well, but continue to be at war. I imagine the fight would lessen over time but to resolve to that life of struggle is, in my opinion, accepting the suboptimal still.

When I read this interview, I chose to reflect on my experience. I have had classic “eating disordered thoughts” enter my consciousness in the not-so-distant past. This doesn't mean, to me, that I am not recovered or that I am existing in a state of “in recovery”. I believe myself the be recovered – never looking back and not at risk.

To be clear, the “eating disordered thoughts” I speak of are never the kind of severe self-loathing but those of a much more simple and, dare I say, boring variety. To that extent I also wonder what woman, or human for that matter, is not acutely aware of their body at times or considers what they are eating. For sake of simplicity, I will refer to them at eating disordered thoughts because, as an ex ED patient, I am conditioned to refer to them as such.

The thoughts I have on occasion now, serve only as messengers to me. What I have realized when they arise is that I needed to take a solid look at myself and how I am living; they are an indication that I need to reflect. Questions I quickly choose to ask myself at these times are: what am I doing now that needs to be different to honour who I really am? Is there something that I am capable of changing in order to continue living authentically? And a difficult one to ask: what am I not addressing that I need to? Am I avoiding?

Once I take the time I need to reflect and choose my next move wisely, those old thoughts fall away again. 

 

This is the way I have been able to make these thoughts work for me. I did not ever wish to exist with “noise” in my head that I have to think over or fight but it seems that in current treatment, that is the standard for recovery. That is not my recovery experience. There is no “noise” or painful intrusion, just awareness.

The way I see it, is that The System primarily offers patients coping skills. It offers these skills by many names and through a plethora of therapies. I am not denying the importance of developing such skills and implementing the tools taught. Is it not human to benefit from practising mindfulness, assertiveness, distress tolerance, and acceptance? (I choose those only because they are common themes in many popular therapies.)

However, a person who enters therapy with no sense of self has no basis on which to build. If one places no worth on themselves and their life, what is the point of learning any of the above skills and techniques?

I am not criticizing The System for sake of criticism. I do not fault any helping professional or team for trying to help in whatever ways they know and feel best about. I do feel strongly about expressing my understanding of it, now, though. Professionals working with eating disorders try to use evidenced based therapies. I feel that the “evidence” of recovery they set as a goal is placing the bar too low.

Therapists and programs that I experienced in the public system assume an adult mind behind the adult body (in its varying shapes and sizes). A common, though little understood, trait of many with eating disorders is an undeveloped emotional mind. Fundamental to effective treatment is nurturing that mind (and thus the self) to maturity. From there, one can move forward on all the skills above and implement them simply as life skills!

Prior to accessing the program I did, my family doctor seemed to recognize my need for him to be “the parent” and make decisions for me. Despite not being regularly certified or forced to participate in care, I allowed him to make the calls most often. He knew, and I knew, that I was in no position to be telling anyone what I needed.

If one knows their needs and values those needs as well as their worthiness of having them met – what function would eating disorder behaviours serve? Therapies that I engaged in seemed to try to meet me at a point far beyond where I was. There seemed to be two angles. The first assumed I did not know my needs and the therapist wanted to help me identify those needs. After that, we could work on ways to have them filled. However, I had no worth in my own eyes. Helping me realize that I was hurting (and not actually “feeling fat”, for example) didn't mean I would ever ask for comfort.

Due to the deceiving strength of my rational mind – and I have seen it in many others - it was sometimes assumed that I knew my needs and just did not know how to have them met. (Example: I didn't often complain of “feeling fat” because I knew, logically, that I could not possibly be. I knew I was lost, and could say that, but didn't know what to do – so I hurt myself further and lost myself in a familiar darkness). So, sometimes I did know my needs but again, it boiled down to not believing that I deserved to have these needs met.

Give a person who has withstood starvation (or other self-induced abuse in the extreme) some skills – they will likely implement them to an extent and survive for quite some time. The will to stay alive is an amazing thing. Will it be sustained? Who can say? Some people “get by” for their whole lives relying on skills that serve them externally but never find themselves and the wonderful reason they are. Some people are able to start their work with the skills and develop themselves as they implement them. I'm not saying my way is for everyone by any means – just sharing my experience.

I remember feeling such a visceral emptiness when I thought of myself. The idea that whatever was so empty in me could possibly be helped was beyond my imagination.

What I was eventually provided with was a safe place to grow. It was like being placed in a nest for as long as I needed to be there. There were people protecting me and helping me break longstanding habits. There is an element of habit in eating disorder behaviour. It was a place where I was safe to attempt to make many behavioural changes that had been posed to me over the years as part of this idea of “recovery”. With my “structures” being deconstructed one by one, I was left with just my small, raw self. This was terrifying for me but once I accessed that, I was able to begin my real growth and development.

Slowly, I explored “me”. As my mind was ready, I discovered more of what was real. I'm not talking about finding what I like to do and how I like to do it. Though that came too, it was more about realizing that I and all that I really am, and have been since my life began. The core of me: my skills, flaws, imperfections, and talents; a make up that I could value and was deserving of nurturing and love.

Once this was established, I could go on to work on all the things people had been trying to teach me over the years. What was so amazing to me was that I was given the chance to do this in my words, on my terms, and as was right for me. Since leaving treatment I have discovered that many skills I have now are part of what conventional therapies offer. A significant difference regarding the ability to implement these ideas is that I had the time to develop a platform. All the skills taught to me are supporting the platform that is me. What I do reinforces or grows this platform of me-ness. The “me” in this had to be developed first.

I admitted that I have experienced some “eating disordered thoughts”. The difference now is that they are just indicators of the need to get back to my platform, do an inspection, and probably perform some maintenance.

If I was not given the platform of me and been able to take the time to culture love and respect for that me, I know that I would have lived at high risk for relapse if not acutely ill for lengths of time. What is there to fight for when what you think you are is worthy of tolerance at best and/or hate more often? Would you fight for you if you hated you?

I don't have any real solutions to offer regarding common treatment approaches, and that is hard.

I set out with the intention of discussing the idea that living with the mental abuse an ED voice but not acting on it does not have to be what recovery looks like. That would never have been sustainable for me but that doesn't mean it is not for others. It was not desirable to me and I want others who want more to know that “getting by” does not have to be the best that one looks towards.

I know that something vastly different is possible. I can say that the only thing I have to “learn to live with” is the awareness of how I occasionally receive messages from my intuition. I still believe that could change sometime for me. For now, it is how I am prompted to listen.

It takes an immense strength to fight against the behaviours that are offered as solutions by the negative beast in a disordered mind. With practice, that part gets better even with an underdeveloped sense of self – practice always helps! To face one's self as needed and truly, openly reflect, takes a different kind of strength. It also lends itself to a wonderful forward flow of growth and development. I know I wouldn't want to live in any other way.

My greatest wish is that each person could be placed in a nest as needed. To crack their shell and hatch; develop their wings and eventually, when they are ready - fly.

(All images uncredited - my apologies.  Random internet finds.)

The Great Adventure

So much to say, so many topics to write about, so much learning and growth continuing to occur!

Today I thought about how wonderful the experience of simple daily life is - how great the little things are and how much each step I take, each challenge I meet and surpass is a gift. 

Sure, I'm proud of myself but that matters less and less these days.  Each moment contains such wealth - my interactions, my thoughts, my activities, are leading to a past I can look back on fondly.

In the past month or so, I focused on doing something each day, even one thing, that I could not have done or appreciated fully when I was sick.  The options for this are plentiful and range from squash games, to venturing to busy public places that would have provoked panic attacks previously; from having a good conversation to enjoying quiet company of just me or that of others without my mind trekking off to some negative place.  Peace is still so new and pleasant that I notice it and I hope that I do not lose that despite how far I move from that old negative world.

Tonight, as I wrap up a long day with a few new challenges, I thought back to last February....

It was on this day, 2012, that I left my treatment environment to meet my sister in Lisbon for my first trip back to Canada.  I could not have known that "great adventure" was just a tiny, baby taste of what real life could contain.

Ah, yes, what an adventure.  Life is so good when we let it be.

Eating Disorder Awareness Week, 2013

I have been unusually quiet this Eating Disorder Awareness Week. In fact, I was unaware this was the week until Wednesday!! Why? Because this year I am busy living a life largely separate from an eating disorder. In years past, I was living the hell that we as a collective group of sufferers, families, and professionals were trying to bring awareness about. This year, finally, I have tasted freedom. No, my journey is not over. I work each day, still, to choose life and strengthen my real self.

Today it dawned on me to share a response to the note of thanks I extended last year, mid way through my brilliantly supported journey to wellness and recovery; to offer perspective to sufferers who are aware of how painful the journey is and who ask “why?” they are still trying to stay alive and if anyone on the outside can grasp just how painful it is; who feel lonely despite being surrounded by people. When I received this, I cried. Often the degree of love that people hold for me blows me out of the water - still.

I want to keep the writer anonymous but for friends and families who are walking the road next to a loved one, sometimes, we can't hear you; the negative thoughts and feelings are so strong that your words and actions are twisted against us; sometimes I thought people on the outside were the crazy ones for continuing to care. Now, I believe how much you love me and I look back and thank you all for being reasons for me to hold on and for being the people that held on for me.

We had begun to see the real light when this was written, had started to understand that there was an end to mine and that of those around me struggle and pain.

So with that, here is this!

“Thank you, Julia, for reaching into the void for a hand to hold when all you could see was evil and darkness.

Thank you for listening to voices of hope when you didn't feel any.

Thank you for having a sense of humor, even on days when you didn't have the energy to enjoy the laugh yourself.

Thank you for spreading as much love as you could muster even when all we wanted was that you could begin to love yourself a little hair as much as we loved you.

Thank you for being nicer to yourself [when I was around].

Thank you for taking yourself to ER all (each and every one of) the times you did...and thank you for everything else you did to stay alive, even though it was so hard.

Thank you for letting me hug you when I had nothing to say.

Thank you for telling me what you found helpful and not-so-helpful.

Thank you for staying in hospital for the weeks you needed before going to Portugal.

And more than anything, thank you for taking your courageous journey that will restore us to each other - sharing love, hope, life, dreams and beauty and bearing witness to each others' journeys of changing the world by spreading peace and joy.

I have missed you...and I can't wait for your struggle to be over and you to taste total freedom! Life is just beginning for you, and I am so grateful that chances are overwhelmingly in our favour - we will be a part of each others' lives for a long time yet. Thanks to you."

So to this beautiful soul who is so close to me in my days still, I can finally say "you're welcome".

To life!! And the everlasting possibility for recovery, renewal, and brilliant experience of love and joy.

Farewell, 2012

I'm sorry I've been such a crap blogger.  She who said not so long ago that the "struggle" had lessened significantly has been back fighting a rather exhausting fight.  I try to select my more objective and positive days to post and I have those times still but, I am tired much of the time from the battle to have those moments.  I also like to extend solutions I have discovered, if at all possible, to hurdles I have encountered.  Not indicating that I think that what works for me will work for everyone, just in a way that gives the message of hope.  Today, I must extend a message of perseverance.

Interestingly enough, as I review my posts, I sometimes encourage myself because what I write is honest.  I know without a doubt that I have felt what I expressed before and I can feel it again if I wait for it and invite it.

That's what my last entry, before the Christmas Day one, has been.  It has kept the wee flame of hope and desire for something better, alive in me.  My drive and determination are still exceptionally strong to see this through to the end.  To walk away from all things eating disordered and step fully into life and myself.  I will get there but I am realizing, with a slight frown, it will take even more time.  During that time, I will need to continue investing extensive effort into my journey to the wellness I desire.

It has been hard and painful again.  Some days my brain feels like it has been wrung out.  I recently saw a book titled, Mind Over Mind and that really made sense to me.  Much of my life now is based on choosing one way of thinking over another and therefore new habits develop - in theory.  I see and understand the theory and it makes sense to me so I am working at that.  

It's like riding emotional waves and some I don't navigate as well and get caught in some sort of undertow.  However, I remain a strong "swimmer", I can feel that I am nearly drowning but each time, see the surface, the sun, and use all my strength to get to that surface simply to breathe.  If I'm lucky, there is a lapse between waves and I can rest, other times, I am thankful for the breath and am faced with the next wave with just a quick gasp, no time for more than a sputter.

What holds me down between the "waves" is any sort of ruminating on why that didn't go as well as the last one or thinking about the next to come.  Thankfully, this week, I was given a simple but so meaningful suggestion:  Do not be afraid/frustrated/impatient that you are not there yet! Also do not think that people will be thinking less or differently of you because you still have things to work on!  We all do!!

I am often all three of those things.  Though I cannot control what feelings will come up, I have decided that I can choose how much "emotional airtime" I give the feelings.  I can notice them, acknowledge and validate them, and move on in my thinking.  Though the feeling might persist, I have the ability to choose my thoughts.  It is tiring but, in my my mind, is essential to the process.  In other, brighter, moments, I have wonderful feelings coupled with pleasant and confirming thoughts and at those times I coast a bit and take my relief as it is offered by the universe and my emotional mind.

As I realize that it is okay for me not to have it all figured out, that it is merely part of the human condition, I am starting to let people in again.  A great fault of mine is a severe drive towards independence out of fear of unhealthy co-dependence.  This has left me feeling isolated at times and now, awkwardly finding ways to reach out and allow myself the courtesy of needing company on this journey for a while longer.  I see the value already, though dislike the practice, of being able to reach out, to not be okay, and to let others know.  To not be okay all the time does not mean I am a basket case or falling apart, it just means I continue to fight my demons.  That, I know, is an expression of strength.  It takes far more strength to be vulnerable with people than it does to appear collected all the time.  Again, something I know in theory and am learning in practice very slowly.

In the meantime, life goes on in beautiful ways.  I am skiing quite a lot and have done both downhill and cross-country.  I have gone tobogganing with some of my favourite kids.  I am farm sitting (that needs to be another blog post, just for fun!) for acquaintances and am busy with my troop of two and four legged beings.  I have had some really great moments with my family.  I have enjoyed the festive season (though I am ready for it to be over) in a different way than I can remember.  I am looking at returning to work and making those arrangements with a bit of trepidation as well as much excitement.  

So, for tonight and possibly for 2012, that is all.  What a year.

As always, so much gratitude to my readers, supporters, cheerleaders, and pillars.  2013 is looking rather awesome, together.

Peas and Carrots

As of late, probably 5/7 days of the week, if I'm eating dinner at home, I make myself peas and carrots as part of my meal. Simply boiled, drizzled with olive oil, and heavily salted (not like “heavily” used to mean). I love them. I enjoy them. I actually, look forward to them.

This was amusing to me when it started a few weeks ago because of how I used to balk at peas and carrots being put on my plate by my mom. Everyone had the same and although I do not remember ever having messages of “Finish what is on your plate” given to me directly, there was an expectation within me from a young age to appreciate what I was given and darn well get through it. Sure, there were the peas that “slipped” off my fork and landed on the floor and the “that's plenty” comment for carrots (or turnip! – which I have also incorporated as of late from time to time) even if it meant a not quite full belly after a meal. No one could have convinced me at 5 or 7 or 9 or even 17 that I would ever desire peas and carrots and choose to make them for myself!

Of course, there are the more recent, and less amusing, memories of filling out menus in hospital and trying to choose the “safest” items – vegetables included – and dreading the days when peas were my only option. Or, knowing that I had whatever cooked veg was coming from the kitchen that night and having panic attacks at dinner when the vegetable happened to be peas (which usually came with corn too – gasp!). What I can now say is that I, the real me, delighted in those days because I was cornered into having what I enjoyed. My favourite meal was peas and corn all mixed up with cottage cheese with an insane amount of salt and pepper. My “head” sure didn't like those days though and emotionally, sometimes it was too much to handle. Another “chess move” that was difficult for me and any care provider to navigate. It's sad, looking back at the past number of years, and thinking that I could be so scared of something so simple. Yes, my outward expression was simplified to fear of calories when beneath that and so much more importantly, there was that unworthiness that I should not enjoy food. If I must eat, I need not enjoy. Food was categorized in my head as, at best, a necessary evil and not to ever become something I delighted in.

So tonight, I sat with my heaping bowl of veggies, heavy on the peas, and smiled as I do each night I make that choice. It's funny because of the 5 year old who, yes, tried to get those darn peas stuck under her plate, or mix them in with my mashed potatoes (which actually became the most favourable way for me to eat them! Kind of like an Orbitz drink was...a little texture to the tasty delight). Or who just got them “over with” first so I could get onto the better things like roast beef and spuds. And a bit of a proud smile at the significance of those little, round, green, sweet, delights and how very much allowed I am to enjoy them as and when I want.

In other news, I've changed my return to Canada to a later date. I had a bit rough but therapeutic week along with a few other experiences that indicated I could use a few more intensive weeks before heading on my first, real transition trip home. I'm already looking to book my follow-up in 2013.

I wrote about in my post about anxiety how pleased I was that no eating disorder thoughts had come up. I need to write more on this but I am tired. So for tonight, I hope it suffices to say that it is not always so straight forward. The ED is still a “go to” in my head in some of the hardest times. To be clear, it is only in thought, but the mental fight against behaviours sometimes arises too.

I want my walk through my process to be one that can inspire hope but I cannot clothe hope in even mild deceit. I choose to write more often on my better days but I will not deny that sometimes, it is really very difficult even 15.5 months into the most intense treatment I've ever experienced and despite all the emotional progress I have made. I've worked hard and I am by no means giving up - ever, I am merely recognizing that the real end of all of this...the distant memory of me with an eating disorder and it inhabiting my thoughts at all, remains in the future. I know it will come. It took a long time to cement in my head, and it will take a whole lot less time to get over by choosing the high road repeatedly. By perseverance, belief in my self, engaging my stubbornness in the most positive of ways, and not neglecting the part of me that still needs to reach out, I will get through to the other side will bells on. I still need reassurance and encouragement sometimes, though. I know I can do it but sometimes, like having someone remind you that you are loved even when you know it, it's nice to hear that other people know that I can and will do this. I will see it through to the end. I can. I will.

There are easier days which are becoming ever more plentiful than the difficult days. I held a standard for myself that these more challenging days “should not” exist after all the work I have done and all the effort I have made. I still fall back into judging myself for my thoughts and feelings at times. But today, a great day, I see it for what it is. I got through these weeks as my body and mind adjust further and I will get through it again the next time any of this arises with even more chutzpah!