My thoughts, my messengers

I have had great intentions to write for the past months and just have not – sorry again to any readers I may still have!

I recently read an interview with two women who have struggled with eating disorders. They both spoke to the idea that they will live the the ED voice in their head forever; that recovery is maximized when one chooses not to engage in what the deadly internal dictator suggests. I have said before that I believe that recover can be achieved to a degree which each individual desires and I still believe that. With proper guidance and unrelenting pursuit of what ones heart really wants (mine was a well life without fear) – anything is possible!

I didn't ever want to live simply behaviour-free but battling that voice and those thoughts on a regular basis. What a life: to look well, act well, but continue to be at war. I imagine the fight would lessen over time but to resolve to that life of struggle is, in my opinion, accepting the suboptimal still.

When I read this interview, I chose to reflect on my experience. I have had classic “eating disordered thoughts” enter my consciousness in the not-so-distant past. This doesn't mean, to me, that I am not recovered or that I am existing in a state of “in recovery”. I believe myself the be recovered – never looking back and not at risk.

To be clear, the “eating disordered thoughts” I speak of are never the kind of severe self-loathing but those of a much more simple and, dare I say, boring variety. To that extent I also wonder what woman, or human for that matter, is not acutely aware of their body at times or considers what they are eating. For sake of simplicity, I will refer to them at eating disordered thoughts because, as an ex ED patient, I am conditioned to refer to them as such.

The thoughts I have on occasion now, serve only as messengers to me. What I have realized when they arise is that I needed to take a solid look at myself and how I am living; they are an indication that I need to reflect. Questions I quickly choose to ask myself at these times are: what am I doing now that needs to be different to honour who I really am? Is there something that I am capable of changing in order to continue living authentically? And a difficult one to ask: what am I not addressing that I need to? Am I avoiding?

Once I take the time I need to reflect and choose my next move wisely, those old thoughts fall away again. 

 

This is the way I have been able to make these thoughts work for me. I did not ever wish to exist with “noise” in my head that I have to think over or fight but it seems that in current treatment, that is the standard for recovery. That is not my recovery experience. There is no “noise” or painful intrusion, just awareness.

The way I see it, is that The System primarily offers patients coping skills. It offers these skills by many names and through a plethora of therapies. I am not denying the importance of developing such skills and implementing the tools taught. Is it not human to benefit from practising mindfulness, assertiveness, distress tolerance, and acceptance? (I choose those only because they are common themes in many popular therapies.)

However, a person who enters therapy with no sense of self has no basis on which to build. If one places no worth on themselves and their life, what is the point of learning any of the above skills and techniques?

I am not criticizing The System for sake of criticism. I do not fault any helping professional or team for trying to help in whatever ways they know and feel best about. I do feel strongly about expressing my understanding of it, now, though. Professionals working with eating disorders try to use evidenced based therapies. I feel that the “evidence” of recovery they set as a goal is placing the bar too low.

Therapists and programs that I experienced in the public system assume an adult mind behind the adult body (in its varying shapes and sizes). A common, though little understood, trait of many with eating disorders is an undeveloped emotional mind. Fundamental to effective treatment is nurturing that mind (and thus the self) to maturity. From there, one can move forward on all the skills above and implement them simply as life skills!

Prior to accessing the program I did, my family doctor seemed to recognize my need for him to be “the parent” and make decisions for me. Despite not being regularly certified or forced to participate in care, I allowed him to make the calls most often. He knew, and I knew, that I was in no position to be telling anyone what I needed.

If one knows their needs and values those needs as well as their worthiness of having them met – what function would eating disorder behaviours serve? Therapies that I engaged in seemed to try to meet me at a point far beyond where I was. There seemed to be two angles. The first assumed I did not know my needs and the therapist wanted to help me identify those needs. After that, we could work on ways to have them filled. However, I had no worth in my own eyes. Helping me realize that I was hurting (and not actually “feeling fat”, for example) didn't mean I would ever ask for comfort.

Due to the deceiving strength of my rational mind – and I have seen it in many others - it was sometimes assumed that I knew my needs and just did not know how to have them met. (Example: I didn't often complain of “feeling fat” because I knew, logically, that I could not possibly be. I knew I was lost, and could say that, but didn't know what to do – so I hurt myself further and lost myself in a familiar darkness). So, sometimes I did know my needs but again, it boiled down to not believing that I deserved to have these needs met.

Give a person who has withstood starvation (or other self-induced abuse in the extreme) some skills – they will likely implement them to an extent and survive for quite some time. The will to stay alive is an amazing thing. Will it be sustained? Who can say? Some people “get by” for their whole lives relying on skills that serve them externally but never find themselves and the wonderful reason they are. Some people are able to start their work with the skills and develop themselves as they implement them. I'm not saying my way is for everyone by any means – just sharing my experience.

I remember feeling such a visceral emptiness when I thought of myself. The idea that whatever was so empty in me could possibly be helped was beyond my imagination.

What I was eventually provided with was a safe place to grow. It was like being placed in a nest for as long as I needed to be there. There were people protecting me and helping me break longstanding habits. There is an element of habit in eating disorder behaviour. It was a place where I was safe to attempt to make many behavioural changes that had been posed to me over the years as part of this idea of “recovery”. With my “structures” being deconstructed one by one, I was left with just my small, raw self. This was terrifying for me but once I accessed that, I was able to begin my real growth and development.

Slowly, I explored “me”. As my mind was ready, I discovered more of what was real. I'm not talking about finding what I like to do and how I like to do it. Though that came too, it was more about realizing that I and all that I really am, and have been since my life began. The core of me: my skills, flaws, imperfections, and talents; a make up that I could value and was deserving of nurturing and love.

Once this was established, I could go on to work on all the things people had been trying to teach me over the years. What was so amazing to me was that I was given the chance to do this in my words, on my terms, and as was right for me. Since leaving treatment I have discovered that many skills I have now are part of what conventional therapies offer. A significant difference regarding the ability to implement these ideas is that I had the time to develop a platform. All the skills taught to me are supporting the platform that is me. What I do reinforces or grows this platform of me-ness. The “me” in this had to be developed first.

I admitted that I have experienced some “eating disordered thoughts”. The difference now is that they are just indicators of the need to get back to my platform, do an inspection, and probably perform some maintenance.

If I was not given the platform of me and been able to take the time to culture love and respect for that me, I know that I would have lived at high risk for relapse if not acutely ill for lengths of time. What is there to fight for when what you think you are is worthy of tolerance at best and/or hate more often? Would you fight for you if you hated you?

I don't have any real solutions to offer regarding common treatment approaches, and that is hard.

I set out with the intention of discussing the idea that living with the mental abuse an ED voice but not acting on it does not have to be what recovery looks like. That would never have been sustainable for me but that doesn't mean it is not for others. It was not desirable to me and I want others who want more to know that “getting by” does not have to be the best that one looks towards.

I know that something vastly different is possible. I can say that the only thing I have to “learn to live with” is the awareness of how I occasionally receive messages from my intuition. I still believe that could change sometime for me. For now, it is how I am prompted to listen.

It takes an immense strength to fight against the behaviours that are offered as solutions by the negative beast in a disordered mind. With practice, that part gets better even with an underdeveloped sense of self – practice always helps! To face one's self as needed and truly, openly reflect, takes a different kind of strength. It also lends itself to a wonderful forward flow of growth and development. I know I wouldn't want to live in any other way.

My greatest wish is that each person could be placed in a nest as needed. To crack their shell and hatch; develop their wings and eventually, when they are ready - fly.

(All images uncredited - my apologies.  Random internet finds.)

Choosing your recovery

I've been thinking even further about the whole concept of recovery recently. Through observing my own process and a little of that of others', I wonder how much of our recoveries we do not define ourselves. When I left for treatment, I went with the intention of getting well and never going back to the eating disorder. I decided that despite stats and “facts” and all other external sources, I was going to achieve a solid and complete recovery.

When I indicate that I am “not there” yet in my posts, it is the very end of all this that I speak of. The end of MY journey towards MY idea of wellness. According to any diagnostic manual, I am recovered from anorexia/bulimia. I suppose I would have to maintain it for 6 months outside of a program for that claim to be supported. I will do that and six months from now I may have achieved what I want in my mind too. I know that a big part of the next while is practice of what I have been brought to understand.

There were times when I felt that I had “maxed out” my process; I would have settled and been okay with the degree of wellness I had at many points because it was just so drastically better than when I was sick. I felt often that different emotional places were “good enough” for me and I would just have to accept feeling really crummy sometimes in exchange for the really good days. True, I will have bad days just like any other human for the rest of my life. I will have days where I feel insecure and nights that I cry myself to sleep. I will be disappointed and heartbroken. I will not always love my body or all parts of my body everyday. The thing is: that's all okay!! None of those days mean that I'm relapsing or even at risk. I have been proving to myself since I've been home the kind of emotional resources I have developed and the strength I have. The biggest difference is that I allow these days without them really taking away from the peace/happiness/contentment that I feel inside. That is nearly a constant at this point. Moods come and go and experiences vary, but the good is never completely out weighed by the negative.

This does not mean that every moment of everyday is easy. I have days that are a mental struggle still, where I fight off self deprecating thoughts and making myself tired with efforts to affirm the positive and true. It takes effort still but just a bit less, and less often. However, because I have set my standards high for wellness, I take on these days as challenges. Can I do today better than the last time I felt this way? Will today be easier than last time? Have I learned anything recently that can help me get through this faster and more smoothly than last time? The answer is nearly always, yes!

I have my days of severe doubt but what I am proving to myself is that those thoughts have no place in my world. Sometimes I cannot even believe how much more distance I am putting between myself and the ED as days go on.

I know people who stop at certain points and decide, like I did at various times, that enough is enough and that place will be good enough for them. They applaud themselves – with good reason – for all the positive changes they have made in thought and behaviours but they stop. I suppose no one can be truly stagnant but it seems that there comes a time when one needs to decide within themselves that despite it still hurting after all they have already endured, they need to push a little harder to get a little further. This comes along with a similar blind hope that got me to treatment in the first place. I had no idea that this was actually possible but it was worth a shot. Why does anyone involve themselves in treatment voluntarily? Because they want something more – somewhere within them is a drive and desire for something greater.

Not everyone wants to do that and I do not judge a single person who chooses to hold onto small aspects of their eating disorder be it in behaviour or thought. It is comfortable to an extent; it is familiar; and to be truly without it is completely unknown. Unknown, I have learned, does not have to mean impossible.  Unknown can also mean extremely beautiful!  I didn't know for a long time how things could get better for me. I accepted my bad days and looked forward to the better days and that was “good enough”. I had other people telling me that it got better yet and that was nice to hear but I believed I would only improve marginally over a very long period of time.

Then something switched again a few months ago. I realized that I was not accepting, I was resolving to slow change/progress and I had given up on my idea of wellness that I had arrived in Portugal with. When that came into my awareness, I gave myself a kick in the butt and chose to change my perspective. I brought myself back to the place of possibility and hope. As I said to a friend around that time: accept for today, hope for tomorrow. Then, I again allowed myself to notice my progress as it occurred. It's been completely different than concrete overcoming of ED behaviours/patterns/and some thoughts.  It's not about counting berries and measuring protein and making sure I'm drinking enough and exercising in moderation.  Though everyone seems to have to start there, eventually it becomes a lot more interesting and also less distressing (a long eventually after the behaviuors are gone).  It becomes far more about bettering myself as a person – the kind of growth I have written about that I believe will carry on for life! It is accompanied with slight lingering negative thoughts and that is exactly what intend to shake further.

The biggest part of this was allowing myself the value that I would extend to someone else. Would where I was at, emotionally, be okay in my mind for a good friend or sister? No - then it's not good enough for me. So I kept moving forward. At this point, I would want the place I am at for many people but not without the desire for improvement.

So the whole point of this, is to express that I haven't settled yet. I set out with the intention of becoming fully well and fully myself and I am going to attain that. Probably faster than I think, though I feel sometimes that I'm making very little forward movement. I think anyone can define the recovery they want and work towards it. If one chooses to place the bar low, they can attain that. There comes a time in the recovery process where we choose what our success looks like. I've placed my standards high in the most positive ways and I'm excited to keep working towards the awareness that I want, need, and can achieve.

I'm sure people will say, “It's not that simple”. Honestly, I believe that once one has been supported through the earlier parts of recovery, it really is that simple. Simple does not mean easy as I have written before. My process right now is not always easy and does not always feel good but it continues to be expontentially worth it. I choose to take what happens today, get through it, learn from it, and apply my knowledge tomorrow. In the words of Maya Angelou:

Choose your recovery, define it, learn and apply, and don't stop until you have exactly what you want.

<3

Edit: I suppose I need to clarify a little further. I should say, also, that it cannot be expected that one leaves treatment “cured”.  The thing about this time, for me, it is not a "struggle". It is a continued work in progress towards the same goal as day 1. Some days are harder than other in various ways but it is not necessarily a fight, more of a challenge. During this time of transition, I am faced with more choices – to keep walking down the path to wellness as I desire it with both feet, or to dabble in the old path be it in thought or behaviour a bit longer or even once in a while. There are more difficult and thus interesting questions: Am I happy with me? Am I happy with how I act/react in situations? Do I like how I interact? What can I improve on? What would I like to change? How can I make the changes? Is my way of being consistent with what I encourage in others? Is it bringing me peace?

I have to take all these questions and many more and be honest with myself even when I don't like the answer. Then I have a choice of what to do about it. If I cannot change something concrete, can I change my attitude? And so on...

So, it's just a few words to the concept that to get to recovered (however one defines that) is going to take some time. I still believe that the end result, my goal, is completely personal, chosen, and is going to be more wonderful than I can imagine.