Thursday, November 24, 2011

Here I am

So, five months into this I finally have started a blog.  It's such a simple solution to keeping anyone who's interested in the loop regarding my journey on the road to wellness.

I will not review in any detail, the first four months as that is old and relatively well reported news.  This ends the monthly updates on Facebook as I'm not actually sure who's interested and who isn't so now you have the link to here which will likely become a much more intimate account of my walk towards the light and full recovery from anorexia and bulimia.

I suppose I shall begin with what would have been the five month update.

You may recall that I spoke of the fourth month as the most difficult...well, it only got harder.  My mood continued on a rapid decline and my anxiety reached new peaks.  Without haste, we came to the decision to use medication again for the interim to help ease the symptoms and enable me to better engage in the program as that ability was being hindered greatly.  Initially I felt I was eating my words by accepting pharmacological assistance again after being SO proud of myself for coming off of all my drugs but I see it in a different light is not at all a weakness in me but a temporary necessity.  Medication has it's role and I am confident in my ability to use it appropriately.  The most important thing is that I know now, what it is like to feel (be that in extremes, it was real) and I don't ever want to lose that.  I don't want to numb out and be oblivious to the world as I needed to be previously, this time, medication is going to facilitate me working on the real things by helping me stay a little more grounded.  There will be a time in the not so distant future that I will again attempt to leave pharmaceuticals behind.

In other news...I had my gall bladder out.   It was my first time being the patient with 'Abdo pain NYD'!  I was subsequently treated for constipation and reflux (Really.  They doubted that I knew what those felt like...hmm) and sent home only to return a 3rd time to emergency and following an abdominal ultrasound, was appropriately booked for a cholecystectomy.  Surgery went smoothly - it was my first! - and recovery was fast.  I discovered that I have no problem taking Demerol and that it really does work!  It has definitely given me a better understanding of post-op discomfort and it's treatment.

That was my biggest event this month.  The rest of my time has been spent fighting a strong desire to remain in bed and/or trying to catch my breath when the walls seem to be closing in on me.  Each day, any moment for that matter, in which I find a bit of peace I am so grateful for and just bask in it.

I am consistently discovering what I took for granted when I was in Canada.  Espeically as the Christmas season approaches, I miss the progression of the snow down the mountains throughout Autumn; waking up snowed in; leafless trees; not being able to find a decent pub to have a drink at because there's bloody hockey games playing everywhere; making snow angels; the absolute silence of a snowy street in the middle of the night; the night sky with stars one can't even begin to count (I swear there are fewer stars here!); the smell of wet wool and hanging said sweaters/mitts/scarves near the wood stove to dry; venti Starbucks hot beverages and walks in the crisp air...I'll stop, but please take a moment and be present in these moments.  Everyday I think to myself how true it is that we don't know what we've got til it's gone.

Those things are not gone from me but I miss them.  I am appreciating the different scene I am living right now.  I am minutes from the beach and the waves at this time of year are remarkable (here is a link to the video of Garrett McNamara successfully surfing the biggest wave ever - 30m - off the more northern coast of Portugal just recently )
The sunsets are also amazing with the sky illuminating with yellows, oranges and reds so vivid (yes, vivid and bright).  The rains are beautiful, often coming town in torrents leaving the earth refreshed and the air so humid and creating amazing rainbows (single rainbows thus far) pure accross the sky.  The storm clouds are blacker than I have ever seen and the thunder and lightening storms amazing.  I am also enjoying being out in the afternoon in a long sleeve tshirt with no sweater and requiring sunglasses for many hours on most days.

It is not bad here at all, just different.  I miss 'home' but I am not allowing it to impede my experience of here.

I am looking very much forward to Decemeber.  My family arrives mid month and although this isn't entirely the 'destination Christmas' that we have spoken of for many years, it is 'a' destination Christmas and it will be much more enjoyable than the last...many.

This is all for now.  Much love and keep an eye out here if you're interested in further updates.  Each day comes complete with its peaks and valleys and I am welcoming you to join me in the journey.

much love....or as I recently heard...Much Metta.

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