Today has been laughably bad. it really is amusing. i woke up and we were out of prozac..no biggie but unusual. then around noon, i get a letter from the portugese government regarding a parcel i have been expecting telling me that it's being held in Lisbon and they're requiring some documents from me and the sender (it's a Christmas present for crying out loud!). so i went and spoke with our lawyer and she says, 'don't worry but it's best if i go deal with this myself'. ok! :S THEN i went and picked up a special something that I have been searching for and waiting for exactly that to be ready to arrive on time for Christmas in Canada and stupid me forgot it in a change room in Mango and 30mins later when I went back for it...it was gone. joke's on the theif though for reasons i can't write here for it would ruin a very special surprise if someone specific is reading.
this was all followed by and intense session with Peggy where a lot of my reality hit home again...things i want from people but can't have...missing comfort i never actually experienced. as i sat sobbing in the car on my way home all i could say was, 'i want my mom'. what i really wanted was affection and gentle words from someone who's not paid to give it to me. i lean on the people here so heavily and the hope is for me to be able to trust people again and feel worthy of love and practice receiving it and being unconditionally accepted...but who matters at the end of the day are the people in my life that don't make a living off my treatment. i just doubt people so much...but the counter thought to this is that i was genuine in my nursing all the time. LPNs are not paid well, the hours are long and the work physically and emotionally draining. but i loved my job. i loved my patients and i was real with them. i chose to continue in that line of work despite shift work and exhaustion and i never went to work on a day where i couldn't give 110% of myself. but that is an expectation i have of myself, not of anyone else. I guess, even if i don't expect it from others i can try to accept that they feel as passionate about their work and thus, me, as i did about my patients.
i went to Swan Lake last night put on by the Russian ballet. it was amazing. it was an interesting experience too as during the first half i found my mind racing a mile a minute about everything and i was getting way overstimulated by my experience both privately and externally. i was able to talk about this at the intermission and the second act i was able to fully engage in the ballet and the music and the story...and it was really really enjoyable. there are more ballets coming to Portimao in the new year which i am looking forward to attending also.
tomorrow starts official Portugese lessons. I'm looking forward to finally learning, better, the language of the country I am in. it's quite funny...the other day i tried and tried to count in French - something that has been second nature for my whole life - and i found myself confusing French and Portugese. The Canadian I was with helped me out..she's not working too hard on learning Portugese...and I was able to get my count on again. :) funny how the mind works. Knowing even a touch of French is helping with picking up the Portugese (of which I can understand a significant amount and can eavesdrop hehe), there are many German and Latin roots that I can identify too. It's not a terribly difficult language so far but I am FAR from technical about it.
Nearly winding up November already...I'm SO ready to say Tchau to 2011 in one short month and I even have my party dress to ring in the New Year!
<3
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