So here I am at my 6 month 'anniversary' since being admitted in Portugal. This journey actually started nearly 8 months ago in the wee Terrace hospital where I committed to staying until I was getting on the plane to come here so that I would be stable to fly. I barely remember anything from then although more and more everyday.
Nothing terribly remakable or insightful to report. I had an amazing Christmas with my family. We spent the whole day together and there were lots of smiles and laughter and hugs all around at the end of the night. We watche da slide show of photos from when my sister and I were small...I have no childhood memories. Well, none is sort of absolute, I have few childhood memories is more accurate to say. My first memory is from Kindergarten so I would have been four or five depending on the month. It's not a happy memory and it is not one that I can really 'see', it's quite foggy. I remember how I felt and the colour creeping up my face as I blushed but that's about all. My first vivid memory is actually standing in front of the mirror...seven years old in my First Communion dress thinking that I looked terribly fat compared to all my friends. Yes, seven. Who thinks that when they are seven? When I see such little girls it hurts to think that they might have the same thoughts as I did then.
After that my memories become more clear around 10-11 years. It's hard to explain...I do remember things like events but not as a picture memory, more as a fact that I know that's what we did but I cannot put myself back into any particular scene and see through my child eyes. They are all very foggy or there are no pictures associated with them at all. Often I'm not sure if I actually remember or if I've just seen photos.
It hurts a lot to see those pictures of me as a kid - smiling for the camera, having fun, trying new things...so many of those experiences were over shadowed with fear and I don't know why. The memories I do have are not good. I'm trying to train my brain now to remember the positive experiences but it's really true that the negative experiences make more of an impression on the brain/in the mind than positive.
For example (I know we are higher being than dogs but it is a simple description of what really does happen in many minds): a dog has an owner who is loving to him 6 out of 7 days of the week. On the 7th day, the owner kicks the dog. That dog is going to be wary of the owner from then on regardless of the 6 days of good treatment he recieves because he will always be anticipating the kick. That was me...always waiting for the kick because if I was 'kicked' one time in a certain situation, I was sure it would happen everytime that I ever attempted that thing again.
We're coming up on 2012 now...I'm mostly excited to get dressed up again and just spend many hours with my family. I LOVE this season but...like I'm waiting for the kick...I always fear january and February as the let down is often severe after the excitement of joy of December. This year, though, I will not anticipate that crash. I am going to keep believing that it is not just Christmas that has brought about these feelings and hope in me, it is far more real than that! All I can do is wait and see.
Today we (the family) are off to Faro, the capital of the Algarve. I've never been except for the day I flew from Lisbon to Faro and a) I don't remember and b) I only saw the airport and the highway leading away from the city. So it should be much fun. I've heard they have a skating rink set up which I would like to try out and other than that we are planning some nerdy fun checking out museums.
Happy 6 months to me....