This will just be a short bit but something that has been extremely relevant in my movement forward.
Until the past few weeks I was listening to what people were saying but not connecting with much. I thought that for sure this program, my last chance to achieve wellness, wasn't going to work for me because I couldn't identify with this concept of the 'negative mind' and the 'child mind'. I couldn't understand the seperation between my rational mind and my emotional mind. Up until recently, despite what people said, I believed I WAS anorexia. That was my identity and would continue to be forever in some regard - whether that be as a recovered anorexic or as one that dabbles in eating disorders forever. I am beginning to actually discover myself now...the real me that has been there forever but masked, controlled, overshadowed by the omnipresent shade of an eating disorder. But that's not the point...
Over the past nearly 6 months I have heard the same messages over and over again in my therapy sessions. I still could not identify with it, it didn't make sense as much as I tried to make sense of it. I would forget from one week to the next the diagras I had been shown and the messages I had received but then...it clicked. One day my thoughts came together, really, the light went on. And it was so important that I had had the repetition of all the messages of positivity and explainations of why I was/am the way I am.
Since the beginning of my work with my GP and team in Terrace, I have heard over and over again that he/they would 'not give up on me'. That I was 'stronger than this' and I could 'get through'. Oh...how many times I pretty much told them to shut up either in words or in the looks I threw at them but there was the little girl inside of me that held on so fiercely to what they said and kept trying because of their belief in me. The words never got old because the hope behind them was always so real and the feelings sincere.
I am not one for repitition. I know the saying of 'however many times for the average mind' but I prefer to hear a message once, interpret it, understand, and carry on. That is not so easily done with messages of hope to the hopeless and desperate; expression of love to those who feel unlovable; and in my case, the explainations and deep understanding of what was/is going on in my head.
So, a big shout out to the biggest members of my cheering squad JS and PCP that despite my attitude have not and will not ever give up on me until I have overcome this beast.
With that in mind, I encourage anyone reading this to take the time to express their love and hope to whomever they have in their lives, especially to those with eating disorders. There is always hope, every human being is lovable and worthy and even when it appears to fall on deaf ears, somewhere, the subconscious is absorbing the message. Show it in your behaviour and your words, create a consistent repetion of what is true for those around you. And even when the recipient exhausts you with arguments against these truths of love, hope, belief, and strength, don't ever stop telling them.
That is all. I'm off for a walk with my dad and really looking forward to some 1:1 time with him.