Saturday, January 28, 2012

7 months

I don't have a lot to say today but I figured it was appropriate to write something.  Today marks 7 months since coming into the program.  I came across an email I sent out before I came stating that I 'might be gone as long as 6 months' oh how I underestimated the time it takes to heal.

I was recently gently reminded of a time before I came where I was passionate about convincing people that I was chronic and that wellness was just never going to happen for me.  It's hard to imagine being on the receiving end of that because if I hear it from anyone else, I want to shake them and tell them to wake up and realize that there is no reason to be chronic for anyone!  *shakes head*  I'm sorry to those who were so privvy to my hopelessness.  It was more of a protective mechanism for you guys...if you believed that I was chronic and wouldn't get better then you would be prepared for the worst or pleasantly surprised - both of which I believed were better options than hoping for the best and having me disappoint you.

Thanks to the people who wouldn't listen to that crap I dished out and kept believing in my ability to get well.  I really am doing it.

I think the biggest lesson continues to be that of patience.  Patience with my self and the healing process; patience with the staff; patience with my family.  I like to get things done, that's just the way I am and so having to let life unfold as it will is really difficult for me but I'm getting better at rolling with it.

It's hard sometimes when I still ahve such intrusive thoughts and feelings of unworthiness, fatness, inability, and freakishness.  I get very frustrated when I suddenly have the urge to throw up a meal when I feel like I'm over that.  The major difference is that I can sit with the urge and the discomfort and really know that it will pass.  I know that the negative thoughts I have towards myself are lies and I can give more weight to what is real.  I'm not scared of these urges or thoughts anymore because I am in control of my behaviour and I know that this bit of negativity that is left in me cannot get me anymore because I am stronger and I choose only to treat myself with kindness (I'm now also training myself in compassion.  It's always been there, I'm just experiencing it differently now and extending it towards myself).

What I thought of this morning was a diagram in my head that I had pertaining to recovery.  Imagine a hollow circle (perhaps make it pink in your imagination) outlining a solid black circle.  The pink is me, sort of a hollow person that was filled up with the darkness of the ED.  My understanding of recovery was choosing to move away from the dar, shifting the pink circle to the left or right creating a bit of area that was not black with the negativity and ED.  I thought that recovery meant choosing constantly to move away from the darkness but understood the entity of the ED to remain a solid thing.  Moving away thus created space in the pink circle that seemed empty and what I wanted was to know what to fill it with.  If I, as the pink circle, was full of the ED and chose to move away from it what was I going to be aside from a shell?   An empty circle?  That's where the 'coping tools' I learned in treatment came into play.  I would go against the ED and use these tools to distract and attempt to fill the void that existed when I denied the ED it's control but it was extremely frightening to consider being that empty and having nothing.  The ED might have been negative and deadly but it made me something which was better than nothing.  There was no 'me' away from teh ED.

How this has changed in my mind to date is this process is not about moving ME anyway.  I am steadfast in my placement and the ED does not remain an entity.  As I progress forward, I am erasing the darkness and the space that exists is already filled up with what really is Julia.  It can even appear empty but it is bright and making more room does not make me hollow and does not mean I have to be scared of being nothing because the fundamental me that is there is not defined by anything external.

It would be easier to expalin if I could actually make a diagram.

So that is today's thought on recovery and wellness.

My next anniversary will be spent in the company of the most important people in my life.  Less than four weeks til I am in Canada for a visit!  YAY!!!!!!

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