Friday, January 20, 2012


We've all probably heard the quote "Feel the fear and do it anyway".  I have taken this to heart for many years, frequently challenging my irrational behaviour and learning to tolerate fear.  What I'm realizing now, is that out of this statement, I wan only "doing it anyway".  I think the harder part for me is actually feeling the fear.  In many situations I would let the idea of fear hold me back, I always told myself that the fear of the fear is actually greater than the fear of the action that I"m consdering.  Looking back, I realized that more often than not I was perhaps ignoring the fear and doing it anyway or numbing the fear and doing it anyway.  Those aren't as effective as really feeling it and acting against it.  Part of my challenge to myself now is to really feel it; to have the thoughts racing through my head and notice them but reframe them, at least challenge them, or just let them come and go as all thoughts do.  I challenge myself to share the fear with those near me because spreading it amoung many and creating a strength in numbers on my side of things is what's actually going to kill the fear forever.

I have learned the hard way over and over (and continue to because it is my nature) that I don't have to do 'this' alone.  I don't have to do anything alone.  I have an army behind me, beside me.  I have to live through it but that's not so hard to do when I'm connecting with people.

Any feeling is more of a teaching tool for me.  If I am scared, I can wonder why and reach towards comforting that scared little self.  If I am happy, I want to recognise why and work toward making that situation happen again to bring about more feelings of contendedness.  Each feeling is merely an indicator, a reaction or a response, and always something to learn from.

In other news, I looked in the mirror yesterday and for a minute or two I loved how womanly I look.  I liked my curves, my hips, my 'softness'.  It didn't last long but I really truly experienced it!  I was able to look objectively at myself and realize that just because my bones are not jutting out and my body not concave where it should be convex and vice versa...that does NOT make me fat!  Slim is probably a more difficult concept for me because it is so grey and is different for everyone.  I am used to extremes:  emaciation or obesity but there really is an inbetween.  In fact, there is a vast inbetween that is really, truly, 'okay'.

I'm stuggling with the fact that I still have to get weighed.  Tomorrow is my weigh-day and although I don't have to see the weight (actually, I'm not allowed to see it but I have a pretty good idea of where I'm at and do know the general number) I just don't want that to be part of my life at all.  I'm so beyond the treatment aspects of a program that are ED related which is a fantastic sign.

I'm also considering that I might need a major attitude adjustment.  It is like there is a parent inside of me and an adolescant and a very petulant adolescant at that!  The parent aspect is very kind but solid.  It's a very neat experience as I become my own comforter and safety.  Sometimes the adolescant wins as in any parent-child relationship and I'm keen for the adolescant in me to grow up and be at the same place as the adult in me so that these aspects of self can be 'friends' but I know this is a crucial part of the process and one I do not want to skip and a process that will only help me get to my ultimate goal of wellness.

Patience.  My constant goal of being.

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