Thursday, January 26, 2012

What about 'them'?

I thought to title this post "Change" but that is too broad a word and I'm not talking about my own change I'm talking about 'them'.  Them being everyone who has known me in one way for so long.  Many adjectives that applied to me in the past still hold true today:  funny, honest, smart, kind, compassionate etc.  Many new words can be used to describe me now like: responsive, positive, curious, brave, and insightful.  These positive steady qualities and new qualities are not what people tend to have an issue with.  It's the old words that just don't fit anymore like:  scared, manipulative, evasive, neurotic, anxious, etc. that outsiders have more difficulty understanding that that just isn't the case anymore.  And those that stick but in a different, more positive sense like: impulsive, selfish, and convicted.

I want people to know the real me, this Julia that is blossoming into who she has always been meant to be and I do value that people are coming to see the postivie qualities that are coming out to play now but letting go of the old and familiar seems to be impossibly difficult, especially for those close to me.  I get frustrated when it's just not accepted that I am different.  I am constantly changing for the better right now and I am working my ass off to grow into the person I am meant to be (who is largely pretty neat) but many people in my life are lagging behind.  They don't see the day to day work that I do and have done and I know that it must be like meeting a new person but I feel often that there is little faith in me.  How could I possibly fake these changes?  I don't believe anyone could 'act' so thoroughly what I am feeling inside, I know I never could.  One word I want to be in the forefront of a description of me is PATIENT and I'm having a very difficult time embodying that in some aspects.

You know, I could understand if people had a hard time accepting that I am not scared and anxious anymore but right now, it's as concrete as not understanding that my behaviours have changed.  That, honestly, food is SO far from the core of this and I have let go of the manifestation of my inner challenges through the use of food and eating disorder behaviours.  Sure, I still struggle a lot with body image but that is a whole other post and I understand it now, which makes a world of difference.

*sigh*  I want to just reach out and pull the people in my life up to where I'm really at but I can't, just like they couldn't save me, I can't help them change and grow and feel secure until they're ready to do that on their own.

So what do I do with this?  I'm really not sure.  It is a constant stage for me to practice my patience and if I truly want to embody that word, I will continue my effort moment after moment, day after day and know that someday, my loved ones will catch up and if they don't...I will still be okay.

This all sprouted from a difficult interaction with my Dad.   The manifestation of his fear in his behaviour and it really hurt me.  Yes, another painful opportunity to learn and although this lesson seems to be dragging on, the 'bell' will ring and I will head to my next class.  Nothing lasts forever.

Off I go to walk one special little dog near the ocean and drink in the sea air and renew my soul while blastin gmy tunes in my ears and singing and dancing like no one is watching and listening.  Good morning, Alvor! 

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