Thursday, January 5, 2012


I just got back yesterday from a few days in Lisbon with my sister before she had to return to Canada.  I really had an amazing time.  We went to the Oceanarium (I believe it is the biggest aquarium in Europe or something); shopped at Vasco de Gama shopping center and at El Corte Ingles; looked around Belem; took a hop-on-hop-off tour around the city; checked out the Garbulkian (sp?) museum; and had leisurely evenigns together with our feet swollen and throbbing from walking. 

It was just so delightful to spend time with her and be present and have energy.  We did come through Lisbon and overnighted in June on our way to the clinic but honestly...I remember very little of it.  She said a few times that we had seen things already back then but it was definitely like seeing it for the first time for me!  I remember wanting so badly in June to be able to enjoy myself but I was SCARED of what the future held for me here in Portugal, I was exhausted from many months of very little sleep, I had no fuel in me from which to draw physical energy, and I was so terribly anxious and over medicating that I was living in a cloud.

This time, with a fresh, open, and calm mind I saw the sights and felt the air.  I relaxed and laughed.  I felt free and alive.  It was hard to see her off at the airport but you know...I'm not sad.  I will miss her, but we have the rest of our lives to look forward to together so how can I be sad?!  Our time with eachother can only get better than how it has been.  I am no longer dependant on her, I feel like her equal again.  There is a mutual giving of 150% from each side to meet halfway.  There is balance.

My mind is racing in a positive way.  Thoughts of possibilty, fun, future, and excitement are zipping this way and that.  It's like a whole new world in my mind and I love it.

For the first time in my life, I spontaneously cried because I am so happy today.  I was just sitting, writing at the beach, when tears sprung into my eyes and I didn't know why.  There was just an overwhelming force inside of me that bubbled up from my stomach and I realized that I felt this peace and joy through and through and I couldn't help but cry because it is amazing!

This again gives me hope.  Life is wonderful.   It doesn't always feel good and it doesn't even always feel possible but it is.

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